Shame seems to be a buzz word these days. Victim shaming.
Slut shaming. Body shaming. It is at the forefront of a lot of hot news items
right now. What are you ashamed of? I’m
sure a litany of things popped into your mind as you read that. It comes easy
for us to think of all the things about which we feel shame.
But what is shame, really? Introspection has brought this to
the forefront of my thoughts and prompted me to research and read more about
the effects of shame on our lives. And in delving further, how can it be
affecting your journey to health.
Shame and guilt are often used interchangeably, but there is
a difference between the two. According to Psychology Today, “…guilt is the
awareness of having done something wrong.” The direct reaction to an action (or
inaction, as the case may be). However, shame doesn’t necessarily depend on
having done (or not done) anything. “It’s a painful feeling about how we appear
to others (and ourselves).”
This last sentence struck a chord with me. How we appear to others and ourselves. Some
of my own shame is based on what I think
others think about me. Then I consider how self-centered that sounds. That when
I walk into a room, every single person is looking at me? Picking me apart the
way I do myself? Do I look at people like that when they enter a room? I don’t
think I do, at least not consciously. So why would I expect that of others?
However, the bulk of my shame is doled out by yours truly. When
I look in a mirror, I become my own worst enemy. My English lineage wraps me in
pale, sensitive skin, while my Basque heritage has blessed (cursed?) me with
dark-as-night hair that covers me from head to toe. The Irish pedigree has sprinkled
me in freckles. And the Hispanic half…decided not to show up. I stare at my
reflection and see too much fat here. Too many folds there. Too much hair here.
Not enough hair there. Large muscles here. Can’t even see muscles there. Scars
and stretch marks everywhere.
Sometimes it feels like this fight to get back to what I
used to look like is futile. This is a picture of my oldest niece and me at
her fifth birthday party (you may recognize those shorts
from this post). It was taken right before I headed out to
graduation parties my senior year of high school. I’m trim and strong (though
my hair and eyebrows could use some taming), and I use this picture as my endgame.
That’s where I want to get back to. Not necessarily to look 18 again (Good
luck, right!), but that level of health and fitness. But it still is seemingly
so out of reach. I unfailingly sabotage myself. Whenever I make great strides
toward my ideal, deep-rooted behaviors skulk back into my routine. I am so used
to living in this status quo, in shame of myself, it’s like anything outside of
that is too uncomfortable, too foreign. It is terrifying to imagine what it
will be like when I reach my goal.* And it is painfully disheartening to admit
how much I abhor this body…
This body. This body has been through so much. It’s taken me
to piano recitals and state championships. It’s pounded the pavement for
hundreds of miles and swam thousands upon thousands of yards. It’s carried me
up peaks and sloshed through rivers. It’s skied down mountains and explored
oceans. It’s jumped off cliffs and hurled out of planes. It’s sheltered and nurtured
human beings. It protects my mind, my heart. It’s loved and lost, grieved and
exalted. Even when it rejected my appendix and gall bladder – subsequently
requiring their removals – the rest of it continued on. It heals itself as best
it can. It operates at levels I can’t begin to comprehend. Each cell doing its
job to ensure my body functions at its maximum. Each thing I’ve experienced and
felt is because of my senses, my soul, in this body. It breathes and lives
every single day. And how do I repay it? By being ashamed of it. Angry that it
won’t look like what I think it “should”.
A wise friend of mine recently said, “I'm making a serious
effort to stop hating my body. I only just realized, at 41 years old, that it's
a choice, just like most other things.”
Serious effort. It is a
conscious choice, every day. Hell, every hour. How will I look at myself today?
Will I stare at myself with disgust and shame? Will I list off all the ways I
am inadequate or failing? Or will I gaze upon my body with gratitude for what
we have achieved…with wonderment at what we can accomplish on this day?
Being
a female in this day and age is hard. The images with which we are bombarded;
the unattainable fountain of youth; the constant barrage of lack that fuels us
to keep buying into the latest fad are all around us, and they are folly. Acknowledging
these as unnecessary in our lives, being satisfied with doing our best, recognizing
we are full of beauty, and believing we are enough: these are things that will
pull us out of the shame spiral. And surrounding ourselves with those who work
toward these ideals with us will
bolster and lift us up when we start to get sucked down. Sometimes you are the
support beam; other times you are the one being supported.
In
my quest to Stay Present, I also need to mindfully be kind.
To others, always. But more to myself, for feeling ashamed and worrying what others
think of me is a waste of my energy. The more internal work I do, discovering
how to heal all the hurts – both mental and physical – the more I feel capable
and confident in conquering the obstacles I put in my own way. And in doing so,
hopefully I will make greater advances toward total body health: mind, body,
and spirit.
They
are only baby steps at this time, but at least they are steps. And perhaps it’s
time I stop looking at my body as separate from me. My body and I are in this
together, making our way toward cohesion. Not distinct entities, but one united
being, ebbing and flowing synchronously in the rhythmic dance we call life.
As
one of my favorite writers, Glennon Doyle Melton, says, We
Belong to Each Other.
~R
Inspire. Motivate. Move.
*Next post will be about the fears that hold us back from
our goals. The ones we don’t tell anyone about.
Love it Bec. Your post, you and your body! Here's to being a 1/4 Basque.. I think we should travel there someday.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dor! That would be an amazing trip - let's do it!
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